In reality, I should be welcoming myself back to it, especially since I haven’t been actively participating here for a long time, but we’ll just sweep that under the rug. My penance has been served with the vast amount of work I’ve channeled into this newer project of mine (or so I hope). Sit back, drink some water, and enjoy.

So, what is my new reason ‘why?’ Why did I suddenly pick up the pen again for this specific blog? Well, there’s been an idea I’ve been mulling over in my frantic brain for nearly 8 months and I’m finally ready to shout it into the world and give it some texture! I did something that seemed so crazy at the time, but now that there’s distance, it seems crazy that I didn’t do it sooner. And that crazy thing has to do with a nasty collegiate habit that transposed itself onto much of my adult life: drinking. 

Yep, I ditched drinking. 

Listen, I know what you might be thinking. First I ditch the animal products, and now I ditch the wine, too? 

And even more of a shocker: for those who know me well enough, they may be asking if I got rid of the grotesque little puff-stick called a vape. Yep, that is gone too! 

Yay for me, I’m substance free! *Except for coffee, I’m keeping that one for now, but my consumption of even that has decreased significantly. 

Anyway  A friend of mine a while back made a somewhat inappropriate joke that I won’t repeat here;  rather I’ll just provide a comment likened to it and let you guess the rest. But they double- checked my assertion when I told them I gave up drinking, and they asked something like “wow, so you’re really just raw-living it, aren’t you.” 

I laughed at this but inside I had a mini panic-attack. Why yes I am doing my life in a new way,  with my entire mind intact at all times- am I crazy? And that was even before I ditched Nicotine. But, let me tell you, that comment is precisely what inspired the title of this mini series I’m working on for the Footslog Blog, the series entitled Raw & Uncurbed: Life above the Influence. I even made a graphic for it- that’s how dedicated I am to this.

*Insert solo clapping for myself here*

This article is more for the “in-betweens.” Perhaps, like me, you’ve had a struggle rising to face the facts that you are not responsible with the amount you consume, but you also can say you didn’t live and breathe it. For me, it was all about indulgence. I knew I shouldn’t have been drinking so much, but I wanted to, and that was that. Sometimes even labeling my strange relationship gave me more of a reason to sit comfortably with alcohol. I have a problem, I would think, so it only makes sense that I want this much and can drink this much.

I’ve grappled with my opinion about alcohol and my relationship with it. I am very thankful, it’s not that I have had a tragic incident that triggered my sudden temperance movement, and it’s not that I was completely consumed by the stuff at every waking moment. Perhaps it’s an article for another time, but for now, I will say I was not a full-blown alcoholic, but I also indulged in it for the wrong reasons a lot. I didn’t have a physical dependence on it, instead I used it as an emotional crutch. It was really hard at times to convince myself not to drink, but there were other times, like now, that I felt like I am not affected by it at all.

I will admit, sometimes, every now and then the thought of having alcohol will creep in my mind, saying “wow, I could really use a drink” but really, I am just looking for an escape from panicked thoughts. This has improved, too, if you’re wondering. The reconditioning has been an excellent process. 

Another question I’ve asked is, am I really ‘damaged,’ or am I just shirking a messed up cultural tradition we perpetuate?

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I realized over time though that it wasn’t the alcohol I wanted most, just the feeling of distance from my world.  Did I have a ‘problem?’ I think yes and also no. Once I was done with it, I was done. I didn’t go to meetings, do a detox, go to therapy…I didn’t do anything that a traditionally labeled “alcoholic” or someone with a “problem” might do to officially ditch the stuff.  The first month without it was weird; I cried a few times when I withheld the option from myself, texted with my supportive father, and busied myself further. Another question I’ve asked is, am I really ‘damaged,’ or am I just shirking a messed up cultural tradition we perpetuate?

That said, everyone is different, and my experience will certainly differ from others’. There is a real physical component for some that is nearly impossible to overcome. I am no expert on the subject, but I believe the severity of use vs. addiction varies from person to person. If the larger support system is what is needed, then it is what is needed. Regardless of the severity though, I encourage everyone to take the steps they need to in order to break this pattern and cultural norm.

“We tell people to drink poison for every special occasion, to feel sexy, to relax, and even to mourn.”

Additionally, we should probably consider the way we label people who become dependent on a substance our society relentlessly impresses upon them, too. I’ve known friends who have had a much worse experience with alcohol than I have- it’s all circumstantial. But I think the root cause of this is cultural conditioning. We basically act surprised, turn our backs,  and accuse people of having “problems” when they succumb to the pressure of wanting the effects we tell them they so desperately need to experience in the first place.

We tell people to drink poison for every special occasion, to feel sexy, to relax, and even to mourn. Not to mention we endure a relentless barrage of advertising on a daily basis. And even after all of this pressure and exposure, we shun a person when they develop a knee-jerk reaction for it. We tell them they have a “problem.” Does it make sense? Not really…but like I said, I will put up my thoughts on this in another post, it’s something we should consider! 

Back to the story-  I would also like to point out that when I ditched alcohol for good, it was at the same time that I was working two jobs and busting my tail over two grad school classes, working seven days a week, and averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night. This, I do not recommend, however I do think it played a part in my severance from drinking. I realized to maximize my limited free time I could no longer let it go to waste with alcohol, even if I was out socializing. I didn’t have time for hangovers. I had to make a choice, and I vowed that that choice was for life. 

As I said before, the first month was weird. I realized I didn’t have a lot in common with the culture anymore, and I wasn’t sure how to ‘let loose.’ I even admitted to one of my best friends that I didn’t know how to flirt without a drink in my hand. It was an adjustment period, to be sure. To claw myself away from even thinking about alcohol, I became adamant that I didn’t want to be near it, and sometimes I felt incurably frustrated that people around me were still drinking. I was so certain that it permeated every crevasse of the world around me that I felt hopeless; I thought that I would never escape alcohol culture, even if I didn’t partake in it.

 When I would go out and people would see that I was drinking an NA (non-alcoholic) beer or something like that, they would ask me why I wasn’t drinking, and I would answer, “Because I liked to drink too much.” People would then return with an “oh” in a mournful tone, pitying me. I was so awkward. I would just nod. Again, this goes back to the question of ‘problem or no’…did I deserve pity? After all I didn’t really have a sad story. I felt like the kid whose parents didn’t let them have candy at school, sitting on the sidelines of fun for no reason except I knew I shouldn’t be doing it and I was irresponsible with it. It was a choice to abstain, something that I think should be normalized in place of ‘wine culture.’ I’m proud of it now, but back then I was uneasy with explaining myself.

I noticed at one point I had become unnerved, and for a while I was still unaccustomed to social events without drinking, and was still wobbly in my stance on the whole thing. My family would ask if they could drink around me, or ask if I could have sparkling juice in a wine glass. Could I handle being around it? Should I be around wine glasses at all? Do I even need to be worrying if I should be around it? I even asked myself, was it an attention thing? My current answer to my then-self is that it was whatever it was at the moment. That’s just what happens when you abandon something so mainstream and so interlaced with your life.

Your opinions can fluctuate, and boy do I mean fluctuate.  There are so many different thoughts that will buzz around in your head when going against the grain of your past habits, especially one that is socially adored, and I’ve found that it’s ok to not have a formal press release at the ready that you can give your friends and family explaining your position. I once did not want to be around it at all. Now, I can go out with friends and just have a soda or non-alcoholic drink. I’m evolving, and for the better.

I know I’m not the first, even in my group of friends, to not drink. And I know I won’t be the last. But let me tell you, before I was comfortable with not drinking I felt ostracized. I felt like there was something wrong with me, or that I was injured in some way, and that I had to explain it. At social events I felt like I wasn’t free, and I felt boring. All I did was work, write, and study writing. That was my life.  

But then I felt it one day. It clicked. I woke up one day thinking, ok my life is awesome. I realized it was so vibrant without alcohol. One morning, after a night of doing my NA thing, I sat up. Not hungover, not pouring through my remembered conversations to check if my inebriated self could have caused some offense. There were none of the typical consequences of what our culture deems as a good night out. I simply got out of bed and made coffee, smiling. That was when I knew that this was the life for me.

This whole ditching alcohol thing turned into a renewed lifestyle. I was happy with myself again, and I didn’t care who knew it! 

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It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows every single day, but boy- were things looking up! There was suddenly more money, more enthusiasm, and more exuberance making its way into my life. What was more fascinating was the excitement I had to be in my own company once again. I don’t have the same hesitation to sit with myself like I once did. I took a solo weekend trip to San Diego just for the fun of it; all I brought was a single day backpack, my boots, and my GoPro. I spent the weekend looking at boats (a passion of mine), eating delicious food in Little Italy, and drinking mocktails and sparkling water.

 My mind was present for every moment, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy to just be once again. Notably, I befuddled a couple of marines in the airport who couldn’t believe I would go to San Diego of all places for a vacation. They eyed me skeptically and kept asking questions as to what on earth would possess me to go there the weekend before Christmas, a time they were more than happy to be on leave and to be leaving the military town. We had a great conversation filled with laughter as I explained I was there just because I wanted to be. “You’re pretty cool,” one of them said. I thanked them for their service, wished them well, and of course I never saw them again. But I took our conversation as a good sign. I realized that had I been my “normal,” curbed self, I wouldn’t have been as social. I might not have had a conversation with perfectly kind strangers if I didn’t first feel content with myself. And that’s probably the whole trick right there, feeling content with oneself. This whole ditching alcohol thing turned into a renewed lifestyle. I was happy with myself again, and I didn’t care who knew it! 

It got even better when one day, my now fiancé, but then-cute firefighter guy I was chatting up informed me that he felt inspired to give up alcohol. I hadn’t asked him to, and I hadn’t pried. History told me that I couldn’t and shouldn’t ask people to give up drinking, it never worked, for obvious reasons. Get this, though: this very fun, genuinely good-hearted, and totally gorgeous man was telling me that I, of all people, was inspirational in his decision and made him want to be a better person- and not just where alcohol was concerned.  Can you believe it?  I couldn’t. But it was one of those notable events that proved that there was power  in being raw, authentic, and true to yourself. One, I learned, it attracts the energy you want, cliché as it sounds. Two, it attracts your people to you…and three, your smokin’ hot soulmate will also find you and profess his love for you. Okay, that last one may be ultra-specific….please don’t sue me if you quit drinking and don’t automatically open the door to find your one and only bearing flowers at your doorstep the next day. That said though, I guess nothing’s really ever totally out of the question.

I have known my fiancé for ten years, but  I suppose I just had to be in the right mindset to receive love and life. I know now that I could only achieve this after ditching poisonous habits, literally. 

A month or two before San Diego, I booked a future solo trip to Inverness, Scotland, where I had imagined I would be writing alone at Loch Ness or exploring the city Outlander style. A month later I was pleasantly surprised when the cute guy I mentioned spontaneously bought plane tickets after I offered for him to join me, explaining I was going alone. Whimsically enough, the solo trip I had planned turned into the engagement of a lifetime. In February, we went to the UK, without alcohol, without worry, and without restraint of any kind. The result: I felt Scotland in my bones, I spent time reveling in the peatmoss aroma, and was present in every moment. Most importantly, I experienced love. It was like living in a daydream, it was perfect. 

Fast forward to after the trip, and in the natural human fashion, I faltered a bit. Not with alcohol though. I took up vaping again, telling my friends I was extremely stressed, and it was in place of drinking. I actually meant it, and they all agreed it was better to have a less harmful vice, and I felt comfy with the idea. At least I had my mind still, and that’s all that mattered; that I did not take to the bottle. It was an oath I swore to myself and also to God. I would never be drunk again. 

I was ‘nic’d out’ from time to time, though. Long story short, I realized that I couldn’t live the life I envisioned when I quit alcohol if I was still vaping. I couldn’t completely be me unless being me was all there was to be. I wanted to live life, feel the texture of every moment, and experience my raw thoughts. I realized I wanted to take life on, and not be controlled by my whims. I decided that I would be uncurbed in every sense of the word. Nothing would hold me back, and certainly no unhealthy substance would take away or influence my thoughts ever again. 

“You don’t need to be labeled an ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’ to work in the commitment to never drink or smoke again.”

When I get panicked, I tell myself that I can figure it out without turning to a vice, and it’s been working. I didn’t want to place my happiness in nicotine, alcohol, or even unhealthy food. Nicotine was a little bit harder to ditch than the alcohol, and this full-fledged revelation took place in the second attempt at getting rid of it, but something changed when I said goodbye to it for good. For authenticity’s sake, I must share: it might shock you that the distance between me and my last vape is only a couple of weeks, but trust me, once my principles are called into it, it’s a done deal. I ponied up. And although the first few days were tough, I persevered, remembering just how important it was to me that I start living my life to the fullest. 

As a reward, I allowed myself to work on the blog again. My mind was clear once more, so I allowed myself to get excited about my health again. Heck, I even started going to yoga because I decided I deserved it. I felt my self-worth skyrocket. I slipped back into my rock climbing gym attendance that I started in January, where I currently send some pretty easy routes with subpar technique but I love every moment of it.

 I cook these crazy healthy meals and feel great. I removed the things that inhibited my life, and replaced them with real, raw things. Is it perfect? No, but it’s the closest I’ve felt to divine in a long long time. 

I guess I’m telling you this now because I want to be very clear: you don’t have to wait for a dependency, a problem, or life changing event to ditch drinking or any other unhealthy habit. You don’t need to be labeled an ‘alcoholic’ or ‘addict’ to work in the commitment to never drink or smoke again.  You have the permission, the will, and the know-how to get rid of this stuff at any time. And the best part is, I promise that once you do, you will find that there is so much more to your life than you originally thought.

 If you are surrounded by alcohol culture, there is no denying that it can be difficult to break out of at times, but just knowing that you can create a culture centered around being present, around being raw and authentic, is truly half the battle. You’re not as alone as you may think you are, it might just be that the courage to discover and promote this kind of movement starts with you.

Thanks so much for checking me out! Please come back for the next article in the Raw and Uncurbed cycle where I chat about whether alcohol really has a place in society or if our culture is just telling us it does, plus the things I never have to worry about again as someone practicing a personal prohibition!  Life’s pretty great above the influence, and I’ll prove it to you!